Rare, medium or well-done?

I could feel the clammy mixture of sweat and sunscreen on my pale, exposed limbs as I trudged the 475km from our parking space to the maritime wonderland of Balmoral Beach. Unseasonably warm temperatures had set the alarm bells off in our heads, instructing me, and thousands of others, to drop our Sunday chores, adorn ourselves in beach wear, and converge on the beach like homing pigeons returning to their nesting place.

My limbs had not seen direct sun for a while; I was therefore blessed with a public sector tan, my legs glowing like freshly painted pickets on a Truman show fence. I was not alone. There were a vast sea of pasty bodies littering the sands, the first heat of spring had surprised us all, and many of us were unprepared for its fiery wrath.

Once a position had been staked on the sands, cream has been applied, the business of doing very little commenced. Some do this with a book, others a casual chat, some with booze; some just lay there and contemplate nothing. The end result is the same; row after row of exposed flesh, sizzling away in the spring sun. If Aliens arrived at this location, they would see a human barbeque laid out in front of them; choices for all tastes.

* Tourists fresh off the boat or public sector workers – RARE;

* More regular devotees of the sun, or those blessed with an olive complexion – MEDIUM; or

* The old timers, those who view the sun as their best mate, constant companion, ones with skin that resembles a leather hide or the covering from an American Indian drum – WELL DONE.

With a salad of fresh trees and shrubbery, these alien beings would find few dining establishments better suiting their needs than an Aussie beach.

The scene resembled a summer’s day at the beach; the sun was belting down, the breeze was warm, people were scantily clad; but this was a mirage. Upon shedding all clothing bar my rarely used board shorts I ventured to the water’s edge. This is normally a slightly upsetting experience; there are parts of the anatomy that do not take cold water too well, so I was on high alert. What greeted me was a bolt of electricity, like a taser had been propelled into my legs. Instant numbness is a strange phenomenon; the limbs fail to move, walking becomes impossible. I felt like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 when big Arnie poured the liquid nitrogen over the refinery floor. Except I could not snap limbs and keep walking, that is the stuff of Hollywood escapism.

So, numbed from the waist down I decided that although it looked like summer, this spring beach dish is best served dry and I made a beeline for the sand. A painful lesson had been learned.

Aside from the arctic water, the trip to the beach was an enjoyable one, something to be replicated in the coming months. Due to the military precision of my girlfriend’s sunscreen application, we remained protected - pasty and unburned. In the modern world of sunsmart practices, designer beachwear, and SPF 1900+ bridge paint sunscreen, the process of gaining a tan is very difficult.

But we’ll all live longer right; at least until the next cancer link is made and we can’t breathe air, or sleep anymore. Maybe caution should be thrown to the wind and a good roasting of the limbs is required after all. I’m off to set the dial to medium-well done and we’ll see if any of these aliens want to dine on me for their main course.